The Ultimate Guide to Phangirls
by LePhantomessa
Summary: Have problems telling if you're a true Leroux phan? Don't know what your fav pairing is? Can't decide which Phantom you like most - GB or MC? Then look no further. With this guide to POTO, you'll know in no time at all. List 2: MC Phans now up! Enjoy! R
1. Prologue: Your Average Phan

Hello, my phellow phans. Over the years, I have noticed many, many lists of traits involving the overall obsession of the phandom known as 'Phantom of the Opera' appear, and yet they have never been specific to the various types of phans: Leroux Phans, Kay Phans, Crawford Phans, Gerik Phans, Fop-Hating Phans, OC-loving Phans, the Truly Obsessive Phans, Christine Phans, and, though I say this only out of legal obligation to a vastly minority group, Fop-liking Phans (ugh). SO, I have decided to sort the various categories and sub-categories of us phans to make it easier for one to identify what type of Phan they are: whether you are a Daroga Phan or an EM Pairing Phan, you shall know soon enough, for now comes the time for the Ultimate Guide to Phandom to rise.

So now I bid you adieu, and wish you good reading of this most extensive guide to phangirlism. I ask that you please review, and as a bonus for reviewing, should you come up with your own idea as to what makes a phan into a Phan and send it in through review, I shall pick the best one for the Phan Trait of the Chapter (as I do not know how often I can update). Your name will be mentioned, of course, and all shall be swell. As well, send in requests for various lists. If they are general enough to have several key traits about them, then I shall dedicate the chapter itself to you.

And on a final note, I have not read any lists for some time; as a result, some possible signs as to whether or not one is a true Phan will possibly be repeated. After all, I do believe that every Phantom lists involves singing some form of POTO song at some point. I do not mean to plagiarize anything, but I do warn you now, should any complaints arise. I will acknowledge that some might be on other lists, but I will not read others, as that might confuse the ones I have simmering in my head at the moment, and I do not want to intentionally steal anyone's thoughts.

That should be all this time, except that I do not own Phantom of the Opera; I am merely a commentator.

And now... we begin.

**The Ultimate Guide to Phangirls**

**_by _**

**_LePhantomessa_**

Chapter One: The Average Phan

1.) You know that POTO stands for Phantom of the Opera. If anyone spells it 'PTO', 'PO', or 'PotO', you have a strong desire to strangle them in some way.

2.) The Phantom's name is Erik. The last name has been speculated on, but never confirmed. If anyone uses Destler, you dismiss them impatiently.

3.) You have read/seen at least 2 separate forms of Phantom and have listened to at least one Broadway/musical version.

4.) You know what a 'Punjab' is.

5.) You know who Ayesha, Carlotta, and Buquet are.

6.) One day you want to name or middle-name your child 'Erik', 'Erika', or 'Christine'.

7.) You know that the real name of the Opera House in Paris is L'Opera Garnier, NOT the Opera Populaire.

8.) At some point during the day, every day, you will hum/whistle/sing a song from ALW's Broadway Production of POTO.

9.) You know that ALW stands for Andrew Lloyd Webber.

9a.) You also know what MC, SB, ER, GB, LC, SK, and GL stand for, nor do you need any explanation for what they mean.

10.) You know where Persia is/was.

11.) You've had entire conversations with other Phans centered around the great Michael Crawford/Gerard Butler controversy.

11a.) You know what the great MC/GB controversy is.

11b.) You already have a side in the controversy and will defend it until the world ends (or until Ben Affleck plays Erik, God forbid).

12.) There is a clear line in your life dividing it from before and after you first heard of POTO.

13.) You own at least one piece of Phantom memorabilia.

14.) You have either written or read one piece of phanphiction.

15.) You spell every word beginning with 'f' with 'ph' instead.

15a.) There is only one exception to this rule, and it is the word 'fop'.

16.) Everytime you see the commercial for Philadelphia Cream Cheese and the word 'Phan' appears on screen, you squeal excitedly.

17.) You think that Erik could do a LOT better then Christine by dating you instead.

18.) If someone mentions the word 'fop' in a sentence, you immediately leave the room, send a withering glare over to the person who ruined your evening by bringing up the fop, or go find a punjab lasso to strangle said person with.

19.) If you meet someone whose name is Erik (or Eric) then you become much more interested in what they have to say or in what they do.

20.) If anyone thinks that being a Phan means being a fan of the band Phish and tells you so, you sneer and call them an insolent ignorant fop, before educating them by unnecessary force.

-l

Well, that's all for the first - sorry, I mean phirst- list. Soon, we shall begin the various World lists, in which you shall discover what it means to be a phan of some of the popular worlds of POTO. Starting with: Leroux. Stay tuned!  
~LePh~


	2. List 1: Leroux Phans

Hello again, my phine phriends. I would like to thank my Phantastic reviewers for their support so far: MoonlightDutchess, JudgePhansexy (man I love your name), broadwaygirl818, TheBlackSister. PeggyPegs, and Children of Eden. Thank you so much for taking a look at my guide. Your reviews are like adorable little plushie Eriks that hug me.

Now, from almost half of you, I have heard a strong desire for a Charles Dance list, which will be up next. But, given that the first phans were Leroux phans, I think that they deserve to be honored first in the specific lists. After all of the bad Phantoms they've suffered through, I more than believe that they've earned this small trophy. Enjoy it, Leroux buffs. Enjoy it well.

As usual, I own nothing regarding the copyright to POTO. I do own lots of Phantom memorabilia; however, it is no match for the mighty power of the patent copyright. Alas, poor Erik, though I know thee well, tis no match for the awesome might of angry lawyers.

List 2: The Basic-to-Obsessive Leroux Phan

1.) You own at least two copies of the book, the first of which is worn down completely from having been read so often.

2.) You take the book with you everywhere you go - the airport, your grandmother's house, a restaurant, your cousin's funeral, birthday parties, the dentist, and other such boring events.

2a.) The book is always kept somewhere in your purse, car, or suitcase for these situations.

3.) The daroga has no name other then the Persian. If anyone tries to give him one, you glare at them menacingly.

4.) You only drink strong Russian tea with lemon.

5.) You can tolerate the Kay novel somewhat, but if anyway starts talking about either the Broadway or movie version, you either leave the room in a huff, calmly interrupt and explain exactly WHY those two versions are ultimately inferior to Leroux's fantastic novel for more then two hours, or you run after them with a Punjab lasso screaming obscenities about the ruination of everything you ever loved by that blasted second-rate 'composer' ALW. Exactly like how Erik would react.

6.) You have a (Persian) cat named Ayesha whose collar you may or may not have Bedazzled.

7.) If a version of Phantom has a nose, they are not worthy of your attention.

7a.) You have, in fact, gone around the house singing "_He's too sexy for a nose, too sexy for a nose, but does fine with just a rose_" all day long while looking at either a portrait of Lon Chaney's Phantom or some gruesome Phanart online.

7b.) Another version of the song that you sing is "_He's so sexy with a_ noose..." and so on.

8.) Christine will only ever have blond hair, blue eyes, be almost overly naive, and be forever unworthy of Erik's attention.

9.) Every time you picture Erik speaking, he always talks about himself in third person, i.e., "Erik thinks that you look lovely in that dress. Erik would like to see you take it off before Erik ties you to the bed with Erik's Punjab lasso."

9a.) You have even begun speaking about yourself in third person as well.

10.) You have a proper Punjab lasso, made out of real catgut (just when your neighbor's annoying little tabby cat disappears; strange...)

11.) You own an Erik plushie (which of course has no nose and yellow parchment skin) and you sleep with it at night.

11a.) You have even built a little coffin for plushie Erik to sleep in, made a tiny Punjab for him to carry, bought a tiny fedora, cape and mask for him to wear should he want to, and constructed a tiny torture chamber for him to play with. You want to build him a tiny pipe organ to play, but you've had to contend with a tiny doll violin accessory.

12.) If Erik's skin is **not** mentioned as yellow, dry, or parchment-y in any way in a phanfic, then you do not continue to read it.

13.) Men without noses are sexy as hell. As are Angels of Death in Persia.

14.) You have an extensive collection of operatic songs on CDs, DVDs, or records to play on old record players.

15.) Erik was a real person, dammit; no one else but him could've EVER have been buried down there with a golden wedding ring on his finger.

15a.) You plan to find the original body, steal its DNA, and clone Erik so that you may raise him and spend more time with his everlasting presence.

16.) You know how to play the piano, organ, or violin in some way, because it brings you closer to Erik.

17.) You have been to the Opera Garnier and pictured the chandelier crashing on all of the naive little tourists' heads.

17a.) You have actually tried to sneak up to the chandelier and drop it on the stupid tourists' heads but were redirected to the stupid tourist group by security who mistook you for being lost.

17b.) You have snuck into Box 5 and sat in every seat, and were dragged out by security happily knowing that you sat in one of the exact seats that Erik had previously sat in before.

17c.) Once you got away from security, you have tried to break into the fifth cellar with an inflatable raft, a paddle, a Punjab, some CDs, and a picnic in hopes of finding Erik's house with Erik's ghost in it underneath there.

17d.) You are now banned from the Opera Garnier, but think that it was totally worth it.

17e.) Now, to fill the void of being inside the Opera House every time you visit Paris, you camp on Rue Scribe (which is REAL) in scan the area every night for any sign of Erik's ghost emerging from the secret door somewhere along there, so that you may sneak in and visit him whenever you want to.

18.) You have a poster of Gaston Leroux on your wall.

19.) You also have read some/all of Leroux's former novels.

20.) Whenever anyone tries to say that Erik was fictional, you bring up the body found with the ring, the chandelier crash in 1896, the definite probability of someone working unknown on the construction, the fact that no one has ever **_really_** explored the fifth cellar to see if Erik's house was down there, the actual existence of a deChagny family in Paris at the same time, evidence that people can actually be born without a nose and with strange colored eyes at the same time, AND the fact that _EVEN ON HIS DEATHBED_, Leroux STILL insisted that the story about the Opera Ghost was true, and that he was an honest and well-respected journalist of his time.

21.) You have built a miniature torture chamber based off of the one in the novel.

21a.) You have even roasted a miniature fop in one.

22.) The fop, however foppy he may be, will only ever have black hair and a wimpy mustache and an unfortunate older brother named Philippe who sleeps with the lead ballerina La Sorelli.

23a.) You even have documented proof that Raoul was described by Leroux as somewhat foppy, as seen on page 18 of 266 of the novel, as seen below:

"The shyness of the sailor-lad-I was almost saying his innocence- was remarkable. He seemed to have but just left the women's apron-strings. As a matter of fact, petted as he was by his two sisters and his old aunt, he had retained from this purely feminine education manners that were almost candid and stamped with a charm that nothing had yet been able to sully. He was a little over twenty-one years of age and looked eighteen. He had a small, fair mustache, beautiful blue eyes and a complexion like a girl's."

See that? Complexion LIKE A GIRL'S. Manners that are purely FEMININE. This was taken directly from the frickin' _**first**_ Phantom version itself. WHAT OTHER PROOF DO YOU NEED?

24.) You cry yourself to sleep every night, knowing that 'Erik is Dead' and that he died alone and without any one to love him like Christine should have.

25.) You love to play chess.

26.) Your favorite insect will always be the scorpion, the grasshopper coming in at close second.

27.) You can quote entire passages from the novel.

28.) You have searched many newspaper archives long and hard for obituaries containing 'Erik is Dead' and shall search for them long and hard until the day you die.

29.) You have often wondered what your boyfriend/husband/lover/crush/stalking victim would look like if their nose was mysteriously cut off.

30.) You are learning to speak Persian so that you can curse the daroga in his native tongue.

31.) You can speak and read fluently in French.

31a.) You learned to read French so that you could experience the Leroux novel in the original way that it was written.

32.) You have several major history books and novels concerning Persia, Don Juan, opera, and the late 19th century of France.

33.) You sleep in a coffin.

33a.) You _would_ sleep in a coffin if you hadn't freaked out the coffin salespeople by asking them if you could climb inside and see how comfortable they were on your back because you would be consciously using it for a very long time.

34.) You know more organ-based innuendo, double entendres, and dirty jokes then anyone else in your neighborhood.

35.) A kiss on the forehead is the greatest gift someone could ever give you other then a living Erik desperate for your love.

36.) You know who Sorelli, Jammes, Meg, Cecile, and Gabriel are quite well, as well as how they look like.

36a.) On that note, Madame Giry will only ever be the box attendant. If anyone mentions her being a ballet instructor, you curse them under your breath angrily.

37.) The new managers who caused Erik so much grief will only ever be known as Mssrs. Richard and Moncharmin.

38.) You have constructed an entire Red Death costume to the T as Erik would've worn to the Masquerade.

39.) You have been to several Masquerades before and dressed properly, making everyone else's costumes look cheap and silly.

40.) You will always have a love-hate relationship with Christine: love because Erik loved her, and hate because the love of her killed your beloved Erik.

41.) Love Never Dies is an atrocity that should never have been created in your eyes.

41a.) After learning of LND, you went straight to your books and tortured the little voodoo doll of ALW mercilessly.

41b.) You feel somewhat guilty afterwords when you learn of ALW's unfortunate prostate cancer, especially after what you did with that one particular needle...

42.) You are more then positive that ALW's cat Otto, who destroyed the previous score of LND and was run over by a car a short while later, was in fact Erik in reincarnated form, trying to preserve his good name by destroying the awful awful manuscript.

42a.) There is a shrine to that cat in your closet. Rest in Peace, our furry little friend.

43.) Gaston Leroux's birthday is a holiday that must be celebrated.

44.) At any and every opportunity, you quote the book to anyone who will listen, whether as sage advice or as a threat against their life.

45.) You believe that the publishing date of Leroux's 'Phantom of the Opera' should be a national holiday. Why? Because in your mind, it is technically Erik's birthday. And isn't that reason enough?

l-l

Well, that is all for tonight. I may have described Leroux phans as - well, as downright insane, but after everything that they've had to endure to love their own Phantom and to judge those worthy of him, you couldn't blame them one single bit.

Oh, and one more thing: You look up Opera Garnier on GoogleMaps to verify that Rue Scribe is real. -TheBlackSister

Goodnight everyone!  
~LePh~


	3. List 2: Michael Crawford Phans

Hello, everyone! Phirst off, let me thank my wonderful wonderful reviewers for their wonderful wonderful reviews: TheBlackSister, Children of Eden, PeggyPegs, Tina95, SilverLiningsWeighDownMyCloud, migotka21, and an actual diehard Leroux Phan named vanillaninja2032, who made me blush with her praise on the Leroux list. She made me squee with delight. ;)

Now, onto business. Some of you are expecting to see a Charles Dance list today, but I am afraid that it will not be available. Why? Because I don't really know how someone can obsess over Charles. He's a beautiful, excellent, handsomely deformed Phantom, but I've never seen anyone obsess over him like they do with Leroux and Kay and Gerik. And I want to get his list right; he deserves it, for being one of the few emotionally connective Phantoms who wears a full face mask and yet still portrays such passion and power and overall loveliness. He is my personal Phave Phantom, because he IS how most phangirls think of Erik: sarcastic, witty, lonely, selfless, romantic, musically adept (to say the least), jealous, passionate, looks good in a puffy untucked shirt while still looking utterly masculine, mysterious, easy to sympathize with, a touch unhinged from reality, a fantastic magician, and can sing like a fallen opera angel. Perphection.

But for now, I hope to satisfy thee all with a list concerning one of the most influential Phantoms of all time, Michael Crawford. Now THIS is a phantom that can be obsessed over to ridiculous degrees, almost to the point of being the cause of murder, especially when Gerik is involved. MC's phans are, to be frank, bat*bleep* crazy, and they have every reason to be. The man was cute in his young age, and he is a phantastic singer. So, ladies and... are there any guys on here? ...phangirls, here is the next obsession. Enjoy, and please review.

Disclaimer: I own some memorabilia, t-shirts, music boxes, masks, books, phan-based books, movies, CDs, and autographed photos... but none of them hold a candle to being able to claim ownership to POTO.

List 2: Michael Crawford Phans

1.) You have the CD of the 1986 musical of POTO with Michael Crawford and Sarah Brightman placed within easy reach of any playable machine, which includes CD players in cars, extensive stereo systems, and your computer.

2.) You have been to see MC live in the actual production during the late 80's or early 90's.

2a.) If you are too young to have seen him as the Phantom, then you are currently trying to build a time machine that will allow you to go back and see him live.

3.) You believe that MC's performance as the Phantom is the closest one to portraying the real Erik because of his angelic voice.

4.) When you learned of there being a possible POTO movie with Michael and Sarah B (being produced in the 90s), you squealed excitedly and kept track of the progress being made (went to look it up online).

4a.) When you discovered that it wasn't being (never was) made because of divorce proceedings between Sarah Brightman and ALW, you cried loudly into your pillow, and cursed Sir Andy for being a complete and other moron for divorcing Sarah Brightman and ruining your hopes and phantasies of Michael on screen as a sexy film Phantom.

5.) You own several POTO music boxes that were made during the late eighties only when MC was the Phantom. (I am guilty of this myself; I own three).

6.) After ALW divorced Sarah B, you kept hoping that she and Michael would hook up, making Erik and Christine an eternal couple.

6a.) When this didn't happen, you went online and made a phan-vid on Youtube with their pictures from POTO, wishing mournfully for the day that they would realize that they belonged together.

7.) You have a personal Michael Crawford plushie that you made yourself that sleeps in a little boat next to your bed.

8.) In order to feel closer to Michael and what he had to go through every night for about 1,300 shows, you have applied the Phantom make-up to your face several times.

9.) You have purchased a mask similar to the one Michael wore and wear it constantly around the house whilst swooshing your cape.

10.) You have taken lessons as to how to sail a gondola.

11.) You've planned on how to kidnap Michael Crawford, put him in a gondola, and sail him into your underground lair many times, but whenever you try to implement your plans, something always gets in your way.

12.) In your opinion, any love song that Michael Crawford sings then becomes the best love song ever made.

13.) You have seen/own every single movie/tv show that MC has ever been in.

14.) WALL-E is the best movie Disney/Pixar ever made. Why? Because Michael Crawford sings the main song of the movie and even appears briefly in it through the clips of 'Hello Dolly!'

14a.) The second best kid's movie ever made was 'Once Upon a Forest', in which MC sings a gorgeous song that really does make you cry. Even though he is a badger in it.

15.) You believe that the horse in 'Hello Dolly!' that gives a kiss to Michael in the scene 'It Takes a Woman' was a phangirl who got her hands on both a time machine and transforming device; therefore, you are extremely envious of that horse.

15a.) You ARE the horse in that scene: you simply broke into the science collection of Dr. Who fans and stole their devices just so you could kiss Michael Crawford.

16.) You own some/all of Michael's CDs. Not the ones that he's produced and sung for, but the ones that he personally owned himself. You just broke into his house, stole them all, and replaced them with exact copies.

16a.) You also own some/all of the CDs that Michael sung for. They are scratched a lot because they have been played so much and cuddled with.

17.) If anyone brings up that Michael's nickname around the theater people was 'Joan Crawford' because of his temper tantrums, you do one of two things: You cover your ears and loudly start saying "LALALALALA - I CAN'T HEAR YOU! -LALALALALA" in denial, or you bash them over the head with the nearest heavy object and run away.

18.) You have donated a lot of money to Michael Crawford's charities, in hopes that he will see your name multiple times on the donation roster thing and call you to thank you personally.

19.) You have gone to at least one of Michael's charity concerts in LA or the UK just to see him up close and personal.

20.) You spent all of your money in the '90s to fly to Vegas and see Michael in EFX, staying at the Venetian hotel just for fond memories of his work.

21.) Every time someone brings up Gerik, you curse angrily and/or fly completely off the handle, praising MC almost to the extent of Godliness, and cursing Gerik as though he was the Devil Incarnate who just stole your ice cream and gave it to Dario Argento's Phantom.

22.) You have been involved in huge flame wars on forums, websites, and Youtube lasting for dozens of pages over which Phantom is better - MC or GB.

22a.) You typically win these fights b/c the Gerik phans just leave to go to another site on which they can gush about him, and not worry about being scarred for life by your Gerik-bashing comments.

23.) You have hosted your own private burning of the DVD of the 2004 movie, and cackled madly over it, crying out "Burn! BURN! Let's see your sunburn ruin POTO NOW, bitch!"

23a.) You didn't even mind when you got a ticket for unlicensed garbage burning because you burnt the DVD on a huge pyre in your backyard.

24.) You have written angry letters to Gerard Butler cursing him for ever taking the role of Phantom in the 2004 movie, and may or may not have gotten a restraining order because of your threats to "strangle his stupid sunburn right off his face".

24a.) If you DID get a restraining order, you have hung it up on your wall proudly.

25.) Every year on MC's birthday, you send him a birthday card, and maybe some of your hair as a declaration of love.

25a.) When you got _his_ restraining order as well, you cried at first, and then threw GB's restraining order in the trash and framed MC's R.O. and hung it on a wall.

26.) You have tried desperately to get a good role in the official musical production of POTO, because you heard that every single main character performer in the musical receives a DVD of the original 1986 West end production of POTO with MC and SB.

26a.) If you _did_ get a key role in the musical, did well, and received the DVD, you sleep with it at night and lock it up in a foot-thick steel safe during the day.

27b.) If you did **NOT** get a role in the musical at all, you attacked the casting director and threatened him/her to give you the DVD or else before security threw you out.

28.) Harold Prince is a genius. 'Nuff said.

29.) You purchase anything that Michael Crawford signed on eBay, no matter the price.

30.) You know that Michael's real full name is: Michael Patrick Dumbell-Smith, and that his last name 'Crawford' came from when he had to change his last name b/c another kid was named Michael Dumbell (or Smith, don't remember) in a musical production, and he saw a 'Crawford's Biscuits' truck on his way home after hearing the news that he had to have a different last name.

31.) You know everything about Michael's childhood from various interviews and TV programs, and patrol Michael's Wikipedia page for those scoundrels who would dare to change anything about his history and thus spoil his good name.

32.) You believe that the Queen knighted the wrong man - it should be Sir Crawford, not Sir Andrew.

33.) Every year on Michael's birthday - January 19 - you celebrate his b-day in his honor by throwing a party with your phellow phans online.

34.) You have a giant POTO musical poster hanging on your wall, at the bottom of which MC's name is listed as the Phantom, or at the bottom of which is his signature.

35.) You have seen the musical multiple times, and sigh frequently at the men performing as Phantom because they do not live up to your beloved predecessor, Michael C, as the Phantom.

36.) The only smart thing that ALW ever did was deciding to replace Steve Harley with Michael Crawford. From then on, b/c of Michael now being Phantom, the show became completely and fully awesome.

36a.) There are some nights in which you ponder (while using some stolen morphine from Kay Erik, of course) if Love Never Dies would have been at all good if Michael had been the Phantom.

36b.) When you wake up the next morning with an awful hangover, you decide that even Michael Crawford in all of his glory could not have saved that musical from being so awful, and beg forgiveness from the little MC shrine you have in your closet for contemplating such thoughts.

37.) Every year at Christmas, you ask Santa Clause for Michael Crawford.

37a.) Instead, you usually get another music box with him on it.

38.) You hang Michael Crawford Phantom-based ornaments on your Christmas tree.

39.) The only Barbie dolls you have ever owned are the collectors' edition POTO ones made in the eighties.

40.) The only men you are interested in dating have either the first name 'Michael' or the last name 'Crawford'.

40a.) You are much more interested in those surnamed Crawford because then you could be Mrs. Crawford for the rest of your life.

41.) The only thing that keeps you going on some days is knowing that Michael Crawford is still single.

l-l

Well, friends, there was the MC list, which is actually more of a specialized ALW musical Phan list, really. But fop it all. I am now going to go try to imagine a plausible obsessive Charles Dance Phan for my (hopefully) next list. If there is anyone out there who is reading this, and who also happens to be a rabid Charles Dance Phan, please send me a message. Your name would of course be mentioned in the next chappie.

I wish you all a thousand MC plushies for friends.  
Sincerely,  
~LePh~

P.S. Please Review. T'would be much obliged if you would. ;D


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